As per the title it was my best friend Bipin's wedding last month.For him it was a good day but for me it was the crappiest day of my life.I was really excited about it,because it is my best friends freaking wedding.We were friends from college and he was the first best friend i ever had.You see i was always the outsider during my school years and i liked it because i knew that the rest of the kids were disgusted by me....
But this guy came up to me like he was going to rag me on the first day of college and since i am a violent person by nature i was preparing for a fight but he cooled me down and we were best friends from then onwards.
But all these changed last month,He knew my parents very well and i knew his parents also.But for the wedding all he did was just call me up and kind of told me to be there but kind of only mentioned my parents in passing.He mentioned that he has a sprain in his leg so he wouldn't be able to come to invite me personally but only when i asked him about coming.
The fact is he lives like 25 minutes away from me and he couldn't come to invite me or my family although he goes to work traveling for like one and half hours.But as fate would have it my brother's friend's brother got married on the same month.He lives like 2 hrs away and because of the traffic jam probably would take 4 hrs to reach here,but the fact is he did even though it wasted half a day he took the effort.If it was mine or my brother's wedding i would have gone personally and invited Bipin and his mom and dad,if due to some unforeseen circumstance i was unable i would have sent my brother or failing that my parents.
To top this all I met another friend of ours called Denzil like 3 days before the wedding.The thing is i am not much of a religious guy but not an atheist either,but this random encounter seemed like a sign from god telling to open my eyes.Denzil informed me that there is going to be a get together of friends on the night before the wedding.He isn't that close to Bipin but i seemed to be mysteriously misinformed about this function.So when he asked me whether i am going to be there i had to lie and say something like i have somewhere else I have to be,,blah blah blah etc.I was so embarrassed to tell him that since I am not invited for the party i couldn't attend because then I would be like a wedding crasher.So what I gather from these events is that I am just not that important a person to him as he is to me.Moreover,he is just taking me for granted.Since I always stand by my friends he expected that i would be there no matter how he treated me.
I always criticize people for being emotional fools and being loyal to people who doesn't care about others.So if i went to this wedding i would be a hypocrite,so i didn't bother to go even though it was the hardest decision i ever made in my life...
Like one month before the wedding i spent like 1000 bucks to buy a dress for myself just for that occasion.I also planned on buying an expensive Fast Track watch from Titan for my friend Bipin.The thing is although he is financially well off he always had a crappy and cheap watch.So during the last of our college days i told him i will buy him a watch for his wedding to Liji his love of almost ten years.Although he did not take it seriously that was a promise I planned to keep.But now I have a watch but no friend to give it to.Just like the rest of my life.
I have stood by him during fights in the college and I would have taken a bullet for him if the need arose.But i was insulted and felt small in front of my parents for having a friend like him.Probably he would have forgot my face by this shot time.I always regarded friends more than family because i was treated like shit by family whom i thought was really close to me.But now i find that friendship also ends this way.I think i have lost my ability to trust anybody again.I feel like crawling inside my skin to die.I had lost my belief in everything else in this world,but friendship was the only thing i still believed in but now i know better.You cannot trust anybody other than ourselves.But although my friendship with him is over and I think I will probably will never see him again i believe i have made the right decision for once in my life.
But then why does it still feels like there is a hole where my heart used to be!!!!!!!!!
4 comments:
Hey Manaf. I feel ur pain. The truth is that you can't depend on anyone. Well, I think each person will get one or two people outside of their family who they can depend on. But it's not always who we think it will be. Sometimes, we spend lots of time with some people and we think that this is true friendship but in the crunch situations, they r not there for u. U might be there for them but it's not to be expected back. Ask me, I've been there.
Several times I have asked this of myself - if i love this friend of mine and i'd do anything for her or for him, then shouldn't they also be there for me? Shudn't they want to spend their free time with me? Turns out, they will call me for help but then they can't give it back. That's ok. Sometimes things r like that.
I know I have two really good friends. I don't see them all the time, just once or twice in a month. But I am safe knowing that they will be there for me. Did I expect them to be there for me? No. Did I know them from my childhood? No, I was 26 almost 27 when I met them and became friends. Yet 5.5 years later, they r still my best buds.
Also, even now, I hope that I will find new friends who will stick by me. Just yesterday I came to know that a girl who always teases me and is someone who I never would have thought is my friend, was actually very concerned about me, cause she saw that I was upset. She came to me and spoke very nicely and when she had to leave, she patted me and told me that everything was going to be just fine.
Did I expect that? Not at all. That's what makes it feel so good. And guess what? I think I made a new friend.
thanks dude its nice to know that i am not alone in the world with these sort of problems........
hey...loved ur writing on this..probably coz am one among them who kinda had a similar experience..wud like to knw hw did Bipin react wen u dint attend the marriage?
Actually he did call multiple times to talk to me that day.One of my other friends told me everybody was asking about me.But I never did call him again.now it has been two years and he send me some messages through gtalk that he just had a kid.Doing what I did that day is still one of the hardest decisions I had to make.But I am still proud of myself for the fact that I did it.It made me feel like I still had control over my life.But that doesn't hide the fact that it still hurts.The time spent with him and my other friend Anish was the best two years of my life.I sometimes wish we stopped talking immediately after college so that those good old memories did not have to get tainted this way.But what I have learned from this experience is this " When life moves on you move along with it or you will be just left behind.
But.......
I still wish I could go back to those two years so that I could again face the friendship,happiness,needless conflicts,fulfillment and then sadness,emptyness,betrayal and finally nostalgia
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